You suck in bed? Enter the lovetrainer

The LoveTrainer, officially known as the Body Trainer exercise aid is an utterly piece of crap from Sony Toys that you put on your ear just before you start fondling yourself. Let's face it, if you are actually thinking of buying this, then you are a pathetic geek that hasn't seen a real boob since your mother stopped breast feeding you. Apparently it monitors your heart rate, speed and the size of your penis to give you helpful hints, like
The foreplay, will now begin!
Please confirm the heart rate sensor!
Your stamina will be evaluated!
The lovemaking, will now begin!
Following the beat, make love much harder!
You are making love, at a very good pace!
Making love a bit more gentler, would be perfect!
Well done! Let’s make love more regularly
Use the force, Luke
Get a fucking life
That's your elbow, you moron
Who's your daddy?
Well, shave my legs and call me grandpa
Enemies at the gates
She's got the precious.
Ok, the last ones I just made up, but anyway, unlest you're a freak that enjois having an audience that's screaming out hints wille you have sex, the only thing this abomination is going to be helpfull for will be to eliminate your mood so you can go finish that Legend of Zelda game.

Woman gives birth to octuplets

This monday, in California, a woman gave birth to twins... 8 of them!!!! And, in case you were wondering, yes, I'm thinking the same thing you do: HOLLY CRAP!!! As a guy that is a father for 7 months now, I can tell you that taking care of one is hard work, but eight?! I'd fucking kill myself. I mean it! Well, apparently, all 8 babies are fine, despite the fact that they were borned prematurely, with about 9 weeks and a half before skedual, and the mother sais she's planning to breast feed them all. I don't know about you, but by my calculations, looks like she's gonna need 3 extra sets of boobs. And allso, a huge savings account for after the babies start eating regular food, for some really good implants, 'cause they're gonna suck the hell out of those breasts.

Communist dictator's Ceausescu birthday still celebrated in Romania

Yesterday was Nicolae Ceausescu's birthday. If he would have still been alive today, he would have been 91 years-old. The bad weather in Romania failed to stop a large group of communists from celebrating the former dictator's birthday yesterday, and bring flowers to his grave. They stood in the rain singing communist song and reciting "patriotic" poetry. They also started rioting and screaming out that Iliescu (the leader of the revolution and the first democratic president) is a murderer. This is stupid. Everyone knows that Ceausescu isn't dead. He's a vampire! And he comes in your capitalistic bedroom at night to suck out your brain, wich explaines the large amount of idiots that crowded the cemetery yesterday to put flowers on his grave.

Only in Romania: mother's boyfriend rapes 12 year-old girl, lives her pregnant, goes to jail, mother misses him

Looks like today is Romania day, here on Draconic News. The scumbag in the picture is 35 year-old Adrian Pascu, who is now being trailed, under arrest, for raping his girlfriend's 12 year-old daughter. The girl got pregnant and had an abortion earlier this month. Victoria Roman, 31, the girl's mother declared that she is sorry her boyfriend got arrested, because she loves him and misses him. Her exact words were "I don't know what I'm gonna do, I miss him verry much". WTF?! I would have hunted him down and crushed his balls with a wrench. Someone please find out where is this guy being held, I'd love to pay him a visit. And allso, I would like the mother's address. So I could hit her over the head untill she passes out. Alldo... that would be preety useless... you know, no brain, no pain.

The $150,000 grave

The idiot in the picture above is Tiberiu Urdareanu, one of the richest men in Europe, and, like every rich bastard, he has absolutely no idea what to do with his money. So he decided to invest in the after life, building a freaking mausoleum covered in black marble, with an alarm system, an elevator and 4 underground levels, making my sorry excuse for a home look like a cardboard box in comparasing. Why the hell does he need an elevator and 4 levels, beats me, but what's even more curious is how is he going to pay the electric bills after he dies. Now that's something I would like to know, 'cause I'm having a hard time paying them while I'm still alive.
On a side note, guess how this guy makes his money! He's selling security services to Romania. TO THE STATE! WTF? Doesen't Romania have a freking army? What's the deal here?
Anyway, if you are a rich son-of-a-bitch and you're planning in investing in the after life, just give me a call. For half the money, I will bury you half way and paint the rest in your color of choice. That's one grave and a nice statue for the same price. So... what do you say?

Old: Obama or Osama?

This is an old flick that shows the resemblance between Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama. Some idiots actually think it's one and the same person, and by watching this clip, you really can't blame them. But, as a guy that really wanted to get those reward money, I can tell you it's not. Osama has a limp. You can't cure that with a shave and a surgery a la Jacko! By the way, if I know the country where he's hidding, do you think I could at least get a part of the money? Seriously.

Obama. Barack Obama: The japanese release new Obama action figure

Did I tell you the japanese are Obama fans? Yes I did! And, as always, I was right, so hail to the chief! The new action figure has changeable hands and ties, and comes complete with a gun, katana swords, a microphone, an american flag, a lightsaber and a chair, in case he gets tired. Oh, and... I think you can undress him, if you're really a freak. Speaking of wich, I wonder if those Barbie dresses fit... No word on price yet, but if you want one, you should hurry, 'cause I can smell a law suit.

Galileo is finally going to see an eye doctor

Apparently, the father of astronomy had serious vision problems in the second half of his life, and now, a group of crazy scientists want to exhume his body for DNA testing, hoping to find exactly wat was wrong with him and how this condition might have affected his findings.

One of the freaks, Paolo Galluzzi, director of the Museum of History and Science in Florence, said:

"A DNA test will allow us to determine to what measure the pathology of the eye may have 'tricked' him (...) If we discover the pathology he suffered, we can formulate a mathematical model that simulates the effects it would have had on what he saw and using the same type of telescope he used we can get closer to what he actually saw,"

So, after almost 400 years of bad eyesight, Galileo Galilei is finally going to an eye doctor. It was about time, Gali! Man, talking about stubborn...
By the way, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yep! DNA testings on the mummy of Cleopatra, to see what she saw (mainly in her bedroom mirror)!

Paris Hilton: "I'm not stupid"

After posing for Heat magazine, Paris Hilton also gave an interview stating that the public perception of her (that of a dumb blond) is false and that she is, in fact, very smart, serious (seriously now, Paris) and even shy (oh, come on, already!!!). According to her, she is a very talented actress, singer, AND an artist. And, if I may ad, she is also very modest! But, really now, smart and serious? Isn't she the same blond chick that wanted to install a bottle of champagne and a cooler ON HER BIKE? As for her amazing talent, well... that could also be discussed, but honestly, Paris, you have to remember one thing: no matter how smart you may be, you could never EVER be smart enough to convince an idiot that he (or she) is in fact, an idiot.

Al-Qaeda get bored, kill themselves

Building a secret terrorist headquarter in Algeria - $500,000; hiring 40 terrorists - $20,000; building a biological bomb - $2 million; having everyone kill himself in an experiment because they're a bunch of idiots - priceless. In other news, Al-Qaeda had to close a base in Algeria.

Obama - the English teacher

So the Japanese want to learn English (finally) and started buying English-language textbooks. The bestseller is "The Speeches of Barack Obama", sold in over 400,000 copies in the past two months. This just happens to be a record in Japan, where, apparently, very few books get sold in more than 1,000,000 copies per year, so... yeah, they don't read that much... And also, they are Obama fans! Say what you want, but this sounds like a pretty stupid thing to buy. I mean, that guy is obviously a smart individual with good knowledge of English grammar and literature, thus making his speeches ... well... boring. On the other hand, "The speeches of George W Bush", now THAT would be a book worth buying.

14 year old tricks police into thinking he is an police officer, gets assignment

Apparently a 14-year-old boy managed to fool an entire police department in Chicago that he is an officer and got an assignment. They realized he is not a real policeman after five hours of patrolling in a squad car. The Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan said "the boy looks older than 14 and was motivated by a desire to be an officer". What ticked them off was the fact that he ordered a piece of apple pie instead of donuts. Well... that and the fact that he only discovered for dead bodies after a helicopter crashed in the cemetery, instead of five hundred, like the rest of the cops at the scene.
Anyway, the kid was on to something. Apparently, all he needed to pull the scam was an uniform. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, this could be my chance of becoming a CIA agent! I just need a black suit and "a desire to be an agent", and I'm in!

Yeeeeyyyyy I did it!!!!!

Yep! I finally got my own blog, so watch out (an also, suck it, peasants :p)! Some of you know me, others will get to know me (but, unless you're Carmen Electra, not personally), but whatever the case may be, I hope we will have some laughs together watching the world's dumbest people in action and reading about the stupidest inventions or news imaginable.
If you hear about anything that's worth mentioned, please feel free to email me at al.dracone@yahoo.com, so all of us could read about it and I'll be sure to thank you for the tip at the end of the post. Oh, and... every feedback is welcomed (even the mean ones, as long as you leave your full address so I can come hit you in the balls), so feel free to comment as much as you like.
I'm Al Dracone, and this is my blog!